I rarely talk about my cancer.. sometimes I think because it's gone if I don't bring it up... it just might stay gone. Simple and Silly I'm sure.. but I'm definitely not an advocate... but I am a believer! A Believer that all that is bad can become good. Even simpler... yeah I know... Well here's the thing, I don't stand on stages sharing my story, I don't even share intimate details with people I love. I'm lucky I could say... Other than the chucks of missing hair the meds did a great job of fogging out most of the pain and after only two releativley univasive procedures I was cancer free. It'll be three years and as I prepare to make appointment for my 6month check up all I can do is reflect. Three years... that seem so short and yet so eventful. I was 25 and I had Cancer... still hard to say...

Seria Facil

I never really write in spanish.. but it's the music I love... Just wanted to share this song with those that can understand it....

In rough times it make everything... just seem right... made things seem normal when everything felt out of place....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=say7RzFgchc

I'm Back

It's been a while... Holy Crap where did I go for so long.. I've written.. Most are saved on my desktop others in note pads or napkins... Life's been complicated lately... for a not so complicated person seems like most of the time that how it feels. Jesus complicated in it's self to explain.. but most of my complicatedness (is that even a word? ) made sense when I wote... so here we go.. round two of blogging and this time I'm going full force... writing, feeling.. and opening up... Feels nice to be me to open up and not be judged. Never feels like it's the right thing to do for me, but what do I have to loose. Keep me hidden inside or flourish... Is it not what we all want to grow... we'll here to growing to learning to living and to being me!

Lolo Poems

I don't think I've ever shared Poems I've written for My Lolo .. My Twin Sister... Enjoy!

When Lolo and I were little,
We sometimes used to fight.
She’d read my secret diary and
I would scratch and bite.

If she pulled up the window shade,
I would want it down.
If she wore short pajamas,
I’d wear a long night gown,

But then we learned it’s better
to have a sister and a friend
Someone beside you in the dark,
Someone to hold your hand

So after scary movies,
I’d always sneak into her bed,
Then wake up in the morning
And tip toe back to bed.
She’d pretend she didn’t see me,
So she wouldn’t smash my pride,
But the next night after,
She’d sneak right into mine.

Now we’re glad my hair is long,
And hers is short and curled.
The difference doesn’t matter.
We’re two against the world.


I know I'm a DORK!!!!
I wrote this one betfore she got married

My pretty little princess bride,
Your day is almost here.
The day that you been waiting for,
Is now so close and near.

Half a year is waiting,
On you to make up your mind.
What dress you will be wearing.
When he makes you his bride.

Two years you have been planning,
What this day will end to be.
In six months this great big fantasy,
Will be your reality.

My pretty little princess bride,
Your dream will soon come true.
And this silly twin you call a friend,
Will stand right next to you.

I know that it gets crazy,
And nothing turns out right.
But when December come,
It will all turn out alright.

We all dream of true love one day,
The man that makes us safe,
The one that when you wake to,
Will always stop to say.
I love when you cranky,
When you need all my time.

But don’t ever forget it ever,
He might love you for life,
But you will always be to me.
My little princess bride.

Love Letters

I'll be 27 in July... Trust me I'm not counting the days I'm merely trying to state the obvious. I was watching a episode on Extreme Makeover Home Edition ( I'm a sappy cry for all kind of a Girl) ANYWAYS! The Husband wrote these beautiful Love letters to his wife and they were so special and important to her. Well then I got to thinking.... Love Letters? I've never gotten a love letter! I've never had anyone pore out there soul to me on paper. Mr. K is Ok but he's not the Love Letter type and I don't expect him to be. I just thought for a second how nice it would be to be loved like that. To have Romance to that extreme in my relationship.... how nice would it be to know how that person feels about you. I guess for a moment I thought how sad it is to have never experienced that kind of affection from anyone. Mr. K tells everyone I'd be happy with a anything. He's right I will be, I'm happy with what I what I'm given, because if it come from the heart then I can't ask for anything more, unless you think I'm worth it. I guess that's really what it comes down to... what some one thinks you are worth... I guess at 26 I just wish I knew how worth it I was.

Thinking Again....

I've learned a lot in the last few years. I've learned independence, I've learned about Love and I've learned to be strong in sickness, in health, in Love and in sorrow. I've looked back and I thank God for those lessons, each with a simple price, but all for it's own reason. Today I stop and wonder what about me I can change. I'm happy with the person I've become and I'm content with the things in my life. I don't have a lot, I work hard to survive, I love hard to live and I live to be Happy. And with that I am extremely devoted to my God and to the Path that he has directed me. I'm not overly religious... but my parents did there part to teach me what was important to them and what was right. I am so grateful for that. As children our parents Love us.. Guide us and then Unselfishly let us go after they've molded us into young adults. It funny because you critic your childhood with out the experience to do so... I was blessed to have a provider in my father and an emotional spirit in my mother. Would I have loved more from them? I don't know.... Why would I? They did the best that they could, In a world of working fathers and mothers, we had more than most children. My parents divorced when I was 17... Did it hurt? Yes! Did it change my views on life? Yes! Did it change me? Yes! Did it get better? Yes! So why at 26, almost ten years later are those issue still so alive in my world? I lost someone very special to me recently, some one close to my father. Someone that my father lost so much valuable time with because of those issues. This year that will be my change, I will NOT sacrifice my father, my mother, my sister, or anyone else that I love for issues so selfish and inconsiderate. We all make mistakes, we are sinners, and none of us are in the right to judge or force others to judge someone based on a mistake. We all do things wrong, on say the wrong things, or even do the right things in the wrong way based on someone else. But who are we to judge? Who are we to go to church, to pray to God and to ask for his forgiveness and not forgive others..... I can't understand that. I'm not perfect and I do my share of judging and finger pointing, but when I lay my head down at night... I'm OK with the people I love. This year my goal is 80/20. 20 for me and 80 for the people I love.... and I guess with all the craziness the last few years it should even out!

Losing....

I'm blessed to have the most amazing men in my life. I grew up surrounded by uncles that were like fathers and grandfathers that were idols and a father that was a best friend. At 26 I'm not sure I know how to deal with losing these important men in my life. I lost my Grandpa Leon at 10. Most of what I can remember of him was him lying in a hospital bed like a vegetable. I never really got to enjoy him the way a grandchild does. The Alzheimer's made him numb and at 10 the most we could do was read him stories. I made sure I kept a tight relationship with my Grampy Joseph; even though I couldn't hug him because he was so far away, the thought of his silly grin still make my world come unglued. That's all I could think of when I heard he passed, that amazing smile that I could hear over each phone call. Then my uncles, I feel like I'm blessed to have them be such a big part of my life. I feel like I'm loosing them to. Someone asked me where my smile went? Ha! God it made me think. We don't change when we grow up.... growing up changes us. I've laughed and smiled for so long.... that I'm nothing when I can't. I wasn't sure what to answer, all I know is that that smile is on my face because of the amazing people I have in my world.... when they are all gone.. Who will I be? In a little girls life the most important figure should be her dad... In mine it was this large group of men. Always felt safe, felt like things were in control and no matter what that I had great examples to base my future relationship off. I know how lucky I am in a world were so many people don't have or know there dad's and have no male figure to replace him. I'm blessed and maybe it because of that, that I am so sad today.... because I'm losing my dads..... Slowly...